Drowning

It feels as if all my hard work is going to slip away and I will drown

I forgot my pill

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Defeated

I feel defeated. Exhausted. I can do nothing right today.

I miss…

I miss

I miss my friends

My trust

My faith

My stubbornness

My self-control

My self

I miss all the good things

I miss life as I once believed it to be

I miss my sense of safety

My sense of security

My laugh

My innocent cry, now my cry is full of pain, fear, betrayal, hurt, anger, distrust, everything full of badness. A cry no woman, mother or wife should know. A cry too many women do know.

I think of these words said to me… “I know this changed you”

It did in so many ways… I don’t want this change to be permanent… I don’t know the way back. There is no map or directions I can google. Where do you begin… with trust and faith? How do I trust God to protect me? Yes man can harm the body… this has affected my mind, my very existence, my purpose, my very being. How and where and when does the recovery begin? how do we, I bounce back? What’s the next step?

Self-Love & Pills

Self-Love & Pills.

These two things go hand in hand. FOR ME.

I’ve was off my meds, an anti-depressant, for about a week. I started back on them two days ago. I realized this morning, Thursday, that I have NOT showered since Monday or Tuesday. I’m not sure what day. I don’t know why this is part of my self-Love. A shower everyday is part of my Self- Love & Pills.

My pills keep me focused showing myself Self-Love. Without them I forget. I’m still a work in progress. Healing. Surviving.

Once my therapist asked what does my Self-Love look like. I had no idea. Some days I still don’t. But this morning I realized my Pills play a huge roll, right now, on my road, my journey to a better place, a better me. My pills help me feel important they help me put myself first. They help me remember who I am and who I want to be. I spent one day in bed crying while off them. That isn’t me that’s not who I want to be. I do not want to turn into a shell of a woman. I want to see me. Right now I cannot without the pills.

To all those WOMEN who struggle with taking medication:

THERE IS NO SHAME IN, GETTING HELP TO FIND YOU. THERE IS NO SHAME IN TRYING TO DO IT ALONE.

Find what works for you. This works for me. Prescription medication, monitored monthly by my Doctor. One day I won’t need the pills. But today I do. And that’s ok.

With Pills I show myself Self-Love by:

KODA-My Dog 🐢

1) Showering everyday β˜”οΈ

2) putting makeup on πŸ’‹

3) The Occasional Coffee β˜•οΈ date with my friends.

4) My Planner- stickers and colorful pens

πŸŽ¨πŸŽ¨πŸ–πŸ–Œβœ’οΈπŸ–‹πŸ–ŠπŸ“βœοΈπŸ“–πŸ““πŸ“”πŸ“šπŸ“˜πŸ“—πŸ“•

5) breathing 😎

6) LaughingπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

7) Yard Sales on Saturday morning 🏠

8) Short Walks with Koda & Evonne 🌺🐢

9) my water tree🌳 ( it’s a tree in the neighborhood that makes a rustling sound of running waters. With its dry leaves without a breeze in the air. I love this tree. It’s sound is beautiful and so are it’s bronze colored dead leaves.)🍁🍁🍁

These are just a few things that make me smile

I could go on, but the point is Self-Love can only be defined as what makes YOU happy. What do you enjoy? No one person can define Self-Love for us, it’s what we find, what we love. It is never the same for two people.

I am

I am human

a woman, a mother, a wife

I hurt

I bleed

I cry

I break

I Breathe, just breathe one more day

I am fierce

I am strong

I am angry

Be afraid

I will act as a wild animal protecting her young I am a mother.

I am scared

Do not be fooled by my fear

My fear makes me fierce, my anger makes me a force, my strength makes me a woman

One day

One day, my daughter will leave me.

On this day I will choose to be happy for her.

On this day my heart will hurt just a little bit

On this day I will share the excitement of a new start in life

On this day I will worry… did I do enough? Did I teach her everything? Will she choose life? Will she be careful? Will she be safe? Will she happy? Will she know when to walk away? When to run? Will I fail her again?

On this day my job will be done

On this day I will be tired

On this day I will help her move

Today I hope this day will not be soon.

Today I hope she will enjoy the freedom of 18 from my home for just a while…

today I fear I have not done enough.

When you believe your alone

Your never really alone. Especially when you have children. I forgot how much my life effects them.

Here are my daughter’s words…. https://sophiarhae.wordpress.com/2018/02/11/time-travel/

And how my depression affected her. This saddens the deadest parts of my heart and motivates me at the same time to continue loving myself enough to be strong enough for them.

Loving myself means medication regular doctor visits, therapy, and self love daily.

Silent cries heard

I try to cry in silence

I try to protect those closest to my heart

They are the ones who hear me cry in my silence

Today some one told me they talked to Marty about my daughter because they knew he cared bout her and what he did with that information they don’t know. Seriously. Have you not seen the news? Do you live under a rock?

I forgot Jesus. I screamed he raped my daughter that’s what he did with it. He used it to groom her and betray her. I cussed and screamed. I forgot Jesus. And for that moment I have no shame. I told her how dare you think you could bring his name up to me. I have not went around church talking and yelling of the monster no one knows but us.

No one gets the trauma the uncontrollable aftermath of it all.

Sophia I’m sorry you heard my silent cries that we’re not silent at all.

Sophia’s thoughts on my silent cries

https://sophiarhae.wordpress.com/2018/02/06/enlightenment/

Parenting.

Some days I’d like to quit. This job isn’t easy.

It’s hard. It’s exhausting and it’s frustrating. I don’t always have the answers. I don’t always know what to do or how to do.

Most of all I make mistakes.

I’m sorry when I make mistakes.

Yesterday I fell. I fell hard half asleep. With a puppy in my arms. I fell. It hurt. Hard and fast. It hurt. I was scared that my disc would rupture again. I went down and I stayed down. I hit my knee my elbow my wrist. My hip hurts. My knock my shoulder blade and shoulder. Nothing is broken. I was nauseated, dizzy, I had a headache. I woke everyone in the house. The puppy he hit his head and slid a cross the bamboo floor he cried loud and he peed all over the floor. He was scared senseless. My husband yelling what are you doing? And then yelling at my sone who didn’t get up to take his puppy out so I was. Trying to anyhow.

Today I woke up sore and in pain. Sick. Vomiting. I’m tired. Sore. Hurt. Sick.

I’m tired. I was told I am a weak parent. I don’t believe that for a second I have fought to help all of my kids. For whatever reason. Today I wanted to quit after being told I’m weak. I don’t believe I am weak. I’m tired. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. I’m a step mom I don’t always get to make the decisions sometimes there’s so much damage already done that there is no right answer. I wish there was a book. Rules. Instructions.

Today I will not quit being a parent. I will continue to fight. Even when I’m tired. That doesn’t mean that sometimes I won’t feel like I want to quit. But I won’t. I’ll fight. I am a fighter. I am strong. I will try and do MY best. Don’t judge me for that.